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View Full Version : Needing some advice on dealing with a f&*#er.



KateW
June 10th, 2007, 10:11
Okay guys, I need some input.

A couple of months ago I was asked by my Vice Principal, all very hush hush, if I would teach an adult eikaiwa once a week in a nearby cho. I said sure why not, could use the money and the experience.

I later find out that the JTE running the show is the very same who caused a good friend of mine to dance the edge of a nervous breakdown, because of sexual harassment.

He is very pushy, manipulative, and overall irritating - but has never made any sexual comments or regards towards me. Finding out that he has had a history of harassing female teachers, I have given him no tether. I have essentially turned into a different person when around him - curt, quiet, and uncompromising.

I am aware that taking part in this class is delivering some stress on me, because I feel like I'm always on alert when around him, and logically I should pull out. Here's the problem. My Vice-Principal and this teacher are apparently good friends, and my VP highly reccomended me to him for this job. When my girlfriend cited being 'too busy' as her cause for leaving the eikaiwa, my VP obviously disapproved. He's a bit of a jerk, my VP - but not to me. He plays favourites among the staff, and somehow, I'm on his good list.

When I had to go home in November to see my hospitalized sister, he was very good to me, and he often still treats me very well. I don't want to damage our relationship, and I know that if I leave this eikaiwa, I probably will, because other than hating the living #*^! out of the teacher, there's no real reason why I can't. I don't feel I can say to my VP, "I want to leave because the teacher makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe, considering his history with women", because then it will reflect poorly on my VP for being friends with such a scumbag.

So I'm feeling stuck. I've realized that lately I've been suffering mild depression - sleeping poorly, always being exhausted, dreaming badly, feeling down on myself - and I want to get proactive to better the way I'm feeling. I'm generally a very cheery person, and I'm not going to sit back and let myself feel down when I could do something for it.

I want to get out of this eikaiwa, and I'm going to see if I can't find a male ALT to take it over. If I can't though, do you guys have an suggestions? I hate to leave the class in a lurch - they're having a welcoming party for me today for pete's sake - but I very unhappy with having to deal with this JTE.

Help?

psychohistoric
June 10th, 2007, 10:35
That is a pickle. I don't know if you've got a good PA or not, but you may want to ask them for help on the situation because they may have some good ideas on how to deal with it (similar past instances, etc.). Now for my personal, and completely uninformed, suggestion.

If you are starting to experience these symptoms of depression because of this work setup then you need to get out of there, regardless of the potential waves it may cause. It may cause problems with the VP, but then again he could be cool about it as well. I think it's a good idea to see if you can get a male ALT in there instead of just leaving; again, this may be something your PA could help you with. Doing that may soften the blow. This is one of those unfortunate and uncomfortable choices that you'll have to make, but I think you need to put your health above a weekly eikaiwa. Seek some help from local JET community (PA, male JET to take over) and get out of there. Good luck.

547
June 10th, 2007, 12:21
Is there any way to lose the JTE and keep the ekaiwa?

Do you team teach a lesson with him, does he organise the class (take the money, etc), or is he a student?

It would take some work, but might be possible. 'I'm sorry, but I'd like to teach solo becaue...' or "I'm quite happy to organise the class - you must be so busy." etc etc.


If your VP is leaving next spring, and you can hold out that long, then you could wait until then to quit the class. (It sounds like you can't wait that long, though - but I thought I'd mention it as an option.)


However you go about quitting the class it will have some impact on your relationship with your VP - I'm sure you realise that.

It's a question of limiting the damage.

This is a situation in which he could lose face with his friend. He's just helped his friend out, and has said you're all kinds of brilliant. Then you pull out after a couple of months, leaving him with egg on his face. (I'm not saying don't pull out - I'm just trying to give you how he will see it)

I'd suggest that you have someone lined up to take your place (who won't pull out at the last minute); and have a very good sounding reason to stop (but you know all this already).


If its hush hush - and you're technically breaking your contract, you could ask your supervisor if its ok that you teach ekaiwa. If/when they say no you can pull out. All you were doing was following your contract.

You wouldn't have to involve the VP in this - unless he's your supervisor. It would get back to him, but there's not much he could do about it.

dycedarg
June 10th, 2007, 12:59
You said yourself he hasn't made any sexual advances or comments towards you. Even if he has a "history" of treating others poorly, other than being an asshole he hasn't down much towards you. Though I understand as a woman you're being cautious and not letting your guard down, I'd say it's ok to relax a bit until you have a concrete reason to be on the defensive. Simply put he might not treat you the way he treated your friend and expecting him too is making the situation even worse.

Sounds like you're putting more stress on yourself than this nightmare JTE is. Your dilemma is a familiar one, personal comfort or job security. Unfortunately only you can make that choice so pick the one you're willing to sacrifice.

Timoshi
June 10th, 2007, 14:00
If its making you miserable don't do the class. You're not Japanese so there's no need to make yourself a martyr.

jerico2k
June 10th, 2007, 14:12
Well you have two options.
1. Keep doing it until you either realize its working out or you start stressing out and go insane.
2. Stop doing it now. The easiest excuse w/o out stepping on anyones toes is to say, "I consulted the JET handbook and it says that we can't moonlight" or something like that, it puts nobody at fault and if they are reasonable at all or used to stupid bureaucracy they should understand and not take it out on you.

ff663
June 10th, 2007, 14:14
If its making you miserable don't do the class.

I agree. Your health comes first. Maybe tell your VP that there is something suddenly that came up so you can't teach this class and try to find a male ALT to take over.

After that also spend some time doing things you enjoy. Talk to people who support you. Talk to the PA or someone from JET support.

But most important, get yourself out of the situation.

(Note: Opinions of an incoming JET)

kiwimusume
June 10th, 2007, 16:57
2. Stop doing it now. The easiest excuse w/o out stepping on anyones toes is to say, "I consulted the JET handbook and it says that we can't moonlight"

YES!! Throw in words like "visa" and "deportation", too. (And it's not even lying, because technically it could happen if somebody anal enough finds out.)

KateW
June 10th, 2007, 20:20
I'm feeling really torn on this whole thing. What I'm hoping I can do is stick it out until August, when I'll return home for a visit, and upon my return my class numbers will increase and my boyfriend will arrive, and I can thus say - sorry, too busy.

Though it's true that this guy has not made any advances towards me that would hint at sexual harassment, he hasn't had a history with just one woman - he's had it with a NUMBER of women he's worked with - Japanese and ALT. He's been shipped to an Industrial school where almost all staff/students are boys, if that tells you anything. Coincidence? In his case, probably not.

Today, for instance, I was invited to the community centre's cultural day, and I said I might come. Not getting paid, its far away, and the less time with him the better, but I said I might show up. He calls me at 8 this morning to ask when he can pick me up. I said nope, I'll come on my own. Then he calls me twice more over the course of the morning to ask, guess what, when he can come and pick me up.

I'm not going to feel bad for having a zero tolerance policy with this man. Sometimes I worry I'm a bit too hard on him, but then i remember my friend, and the other women I've spoken to who have been harassed by him, and it'ss difficult for me not to punch him in balls every time I see him. Very, very difficult.

So, I'm kinda hoping to hold out until August, since the women I teach are so lovely and I don't want to look like I'm bailing for no reason. This might not happen, and I'm still not totally firm on the decision to keep with it. I will, if it comes to it, get very straight-forward as to my reasons why I am in fact leaving, but I'm hoping to be oh-so-Japanese and be really really vague. I want to talk to my supervisor, but he's a bit anal and might get upset I've been doing an adult class in the first place.

I just really hate this situation.

kiwimusume
June 10th, 2007, 21:34
the women I teach are so lovely

They're letting this guy teach women?! 8O

Anyway, I hope you find a solution to the situation soon. Hang in there. :)

wicket
June 11th, 2007, 08:01
Kate, I agree with jericho and kiwimusume. Tell them you've heard of a case of an ALT being fired from JET because he/she was moonlighting and you don't want to run the same risk.
'Course, you could always confront the JTE and tell him he makes you feel uncomfortable... but, oh yeah, what country are we living in again? There's a good chance this guy doesn't think/know he's doing anything "wrong" - has he ever been called to account for his actions?
In any case, it sounds as though you're enjoying Japan apart from having to deal with him, and he's not worth making yourself sick over.
Maybe you could tell your supervisor you've been put in a difficult situation coz you didn't want to take the class as it's against the terms of your contract but you didn't know how to refuse - maybe he can get you out of it. Good luck!

KateW
June 11th, 2007, 10:53
Okay, so great news! I'm quitting!!

I think I found a replacement, a MALE alt to fill in, and I'm hoping that tonight will be my last class!

The only think I feel bad for is the students. I just had my 'welcome party' last night for fuck's sake. So I want to express to them my regret that I have to leave. The reason I'm officially citing is 'stress' - with a terminally ill sister and a full time job already, I'm just fucking stressed out. This teacher makes it about 10 times worse, but that's why I'm leaving.

Should I bring a cake or something? I was thinking that since they all shelled out 3000 yen last night for my party, and I didn't, I should somehow reimburse them or something. I was thinking dessert. >.> Yes? No?

Help, again?

547
June 11th, 2007, 11:03
Cake is always nice. Will they eat it there or take it home?

Don't worry about the fee for the party - it just happens like that sometimes.

Shotokai
June 11th, 2007, 11:17
glad you got it sorted out. situations like this help us grow and learn new coping stratergies. if it had continued i would have done the whole "contract says no" thing and stuck by it. however sometimes if you piss someone off by using that then they use it right back at you.

wicket
June 11th, 2007, 13:33
That's fantastic, Kate - and good on you for finding a replacement - the students will be sad to lose you, I'm sure, but pleased that you haven't left them in the lurch. And yeah - cake would be a nice gesture, but don't feel bad - none of it's your fault, after all.
I didn't realise your sister was terminal. Now I REALLY wish I'd known who you were at Kobe. My hugs are legendary.

jacqui
June 11th, 2007, 13:34
glad you got things sorted. :D

cake sounds good. cake fixes all.

KateW
June 11th, 2007, 13:37
Aw thanks guys. I'm really happy, so far it seems to be going smoothly. My replacement is a good friend of mine and really chill, and he jumped at the chance to make extra money. He's coming tonight to meet everyone and get the lay of the place.

I called the teacher, told him I'm stressed due to stuff with my sister and work here, and he seemed less than thrilled, but I think appreciative that I have a replacement coming up.

And thanks Wicket, that made me a little misty-eyed. ^^ I'm glad you just didn't know me at Kobe, rather than you did know me and think I was a wierdo. I was like, "Cripes, has she not seen my picture on the boards? I keep looking at her to maybe get a chance to say hi, but I think I'm wierding her the hell out!" *laughs* At least your lectures rocked, so I got to genuinely enjoy those despite not saying 'harro'.

ff663
June 11th, 2007, 14:26
I'm glad that things have turned out for the better. Cake is definitely great. Do what you believe is right to do!

:kaos_chirolp_krackl: :kaos_chirolp_krackr:

kiwimusume
June 11th, 2007, 16:54
Woohoo!! Ding dong, the fuckwit's dead!!! :kaos_chirol_oiwai:

Glad you got that sorted. :)

1492
June 12th, 2007, 14:45
Ding dong, the fuckwit's dead!!!

My favourite word!!

ahem

Well done Kate. I also have an extra classes problem, but completely the opposite end. My kyotosensei wants me to tutor his daughter privately. I have no problem with the family, they're super nice (the mom is so much like mine), the daughter is a sweetheart and I get on really well with my kyotosensei. The problem is that they live on the opposite end of the city, and I just dont have the extra time to shell out. I told the kyoto as much, but he's adamant that no other ALT is good enough for his daughter, and it has to be me. :( I'm flattered and all, but, err...

But I think I have a solution, so it's all good. Hopefully.

KateW
June 12th, 2007, 15:27
Aw thanks guys.

The class went great, the new teacher likes them and vice versa, and I can now wash my hands of the whole thing. Uuuunnnhohyeah, that feels goood.

And good luck Andreyla, I'm glad you have a solution coming up! Ganbaranba!

dobharrison
June 12th, 2007, 15:56
Well done Kate. I also have an extra classes problem, but completely the opposite end. My kyotosensei wants me to tutor his daughter privately. I have no problem with the family, they're super nice (the mom is so much like mine), the daughter is a sweetheart and I get on really well with my kyotosensei. The problem is that they live on the opposite end of the city, and I just dont have the extra time to shell out. I told the kyoto as much, but he's adamant that no other ALT is good enough for his daughter, and it has to be me. :( I'm flattered and all, but, err...

Can't you just say no in that situation? I know you want to keep up a good relationship, but working outside your contract should always be optional.

kiwimusume
June 12th, 2007, 17:06
Do you know any of the ALTs in that area? And if so, would your kyotosensei go for an ALT that his beloved Andreyla had recommended super duper highly?

1492
June 13th, 2007, 13:37
nah, fixed it. I'll still be going, but only twice a month now (as opposed to once a week, like he wanted). The first saturday of the month, the daughter will meet me for coffee at a mall near my apartment, and the last tuesday of the month, I'll go to their house. Way more manageable.

Now I need help deciding payment. New thread.