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Thread: Relationship/Cohabiting question

  1. #1
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    Default Relationship/Cohabiting question

    I'm certain this has been asked before, but I'm curious. I've been shortlisted, and my boyfriend of 3 years did not apply to JET, but he still wants to come live with me. We're not married, and not planning on it (or anytime soon, at least). We want to make it work, but he won't come with me if we can't live together. If he applies to Interac, and gets placed near me, is it even possible to live in my apartment together and split the rent?

    Basically, can you cohabit while working for JET?

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    Default Re: Relationship/Cohabiting question

    Quote Originally Posted by hal View Post
    .
    Unless you're married, your boyfriend can't just come with you and live with you and Japan. He'd only be allowed to stay for up to 90 days on a visitor's visa. Not sure if Interac lets you pick your placement locations. Also, from what I've seen around they can't necessarily kick you out of your contract for having your boyfriend live in your apartment although some people might look down upon it. I've read that some people say they're engaged (which you can't disprove) and people get over it. I think your biggest issue is going to be the visa thing.

  3. #3
    Feckless Manchild Otaku word's Avatar
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    Default Re: Relationship/Cohabiting question

    What Kag said is mostly true. The visa thing is definitely gonna be your biggest issue.

    I brought MG over and she stayed with me in my "single teacher's housing" for a few months, though. We did a "Korea Run" to keep her tourist pass active.

    It would be a lot easier if you get married "on paper" and come over that way. You don't have to tell anyone else (family) if you don't wanna.
    Quote Originally Posted by 00Bear00 View Post
    When I read your post I suddenly feel like I am so far away from being crazy.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ananasboat View Post
    It's festivals days like these on which I really try really hard to make up for not partying in college.
    yeah, because who needs free flowing drugs and alcohol fueling adventorous sex with taut, lithe young bodies when you could wander around a dying town in the freezing cold with a can of asahi super dry in your hand while some toothless old farmer shouts at you.

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    Default Re: Relationship/Cohabiting question

    Quote Originally Posted by hal View Post
    I'm certain this has been asked before, but I'm curious. I've been shortlisted, and my boyfriend of 3 years did not apply to JET, but he still wants to come live with me. We're not married, and not planning on it (or anytime soon, at least). We want to make it work, but he won't come with me if we can't live together. If he applies to Interac, and gets placed near me, is it even possible to live in my apartment together and split the rent?

    Basically, can you cohabit while working for JET?
    Lets put it this way, if you end up in my type of situation you'd be screwed. I'm in a singles only apartment building for prefectual employees. It is only mechanically big enough for one person (two people could not live there at all). While I could end that apartment contract and find my own place, my school has made it abundantly clear they want nothing to do with me at that point in terms of supporting me if a problem occurs.

    If your boytoy came over on Interac they would likely be in a similar position where they would force him to get a new one year lease with a leo palace or something similar. In otherwords moving wouldn't be possible until year 2.

    Like word said, get married on paper before coming over and the problem of cohabitation goes away. My school would have to provide the basic support in that case (or we could even move into the family apartments that exist), and then they could get work. That being said, if it's a "live together" or bust thing... dump him now and move on. I've yet to see a "couple" come over unmarried and survive the trip.
    Quote Originally Posted by Cytrix View Post
    Organising anything with ALTs is like herding cats on catnip

    Quote Originally Posted by Antonath View Post
    We Jeeperneez are express all emotion through money. Wedding is happy money. Funeral is sad money. Izakaya is friendship money. Girl-bar is almost-sex money. But babby-borning is bery happy money, as no babby in Japan. All babby is special so we is givings much money as presento for babby.

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    Default Re: Relationship/Cohabiting question

    Surely Interac doesn't require people to sign leases, do they? I've known several who say they don't get much assistance at all in setting up a living situation. It's not like jet, where they arrange everything for you(unless you're some poor sap in Tokyo). If you tell them you've got a futon under the bridge, isn't that enough?

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    Default Re: Relationship/Cohabiting question

    Oh, although that aside, I agree you should get married on paper now. The times are a changing, and people have all sorts of reasons for putting off marriage, but even if they're good ones, this situation is a better reason to change your mind. If they're bad reasons, then have fun being single in japan.

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    Default Re: Relationship/Cohabiting question

    Quote Originally Posted by hal View Post
    Basically, can you cohabit while working for JET?
    If you're not married, for him to stay long term he needs a work visa or a working holiday visa. The bonus of being married is that he can come over with you and stay long term on the dependent visa. If you're lucky, he'll find a job, you'll get an apartment big enough for two, and everything will be great. Worst case scenario is that he can't find a job and your apartment is teeny tiny. You'll have to wait to hear from your predecessor about those details unfortunately.

    Only you and your bf can decide if marriage is the next step right now. I had a similar situation with my partner - we got engaged right before I applied to JET and we really wanted to continue living together in Japan. We decided not to rush a wedding which meant he needed to find a job if he was going to move to Japan with me. It turned out that our apartment is a great size, he joined me in Japan and found a full-time job within a week, and his employer helped him through all the visa paperwork. It is possible that your placement (and relationship) would work out just fine even if you don't get married.

  8. #8
    Crustacean Sensation Ebi's Avatar
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    Default Re: Relationship/Cohabiting question

    The sad fact is that Japan doesn't support unmarried couples in any significant way, legally and socially. Once you're out of school, if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend for a few years and aren't engaged, people wonder what's wrong since Dating -> Marriage -> Babies. Also, it's quite common for people to get married on paper months before they have their wedding since you need that sort of legal status to prevent cohabiting from being a huge headache. Mostly this is because Japan uses a family register system rather than individual register system, so things get complicated if you are living together and not legally considered family.

    On my own register, I'm listed second as "wife of head of family" since my husband is the "head of the family". It's rather old fashioned and presents a lot of problems for single parents or divorced couples with children since a child can only legally belong to one person's family register.

    You can both come to Japan on your own merits, but most likely no one will offer much support unless you get married or claim you are getting married soon.

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    Default Re: Relationship/Cohabiting question

    I think you have that order wrong ebi. It's:

    Dating --> Babies --> Marriage
    Quote Originally Posted by Cytrix View Post
    Organising anything with ALTs is like herding cats on catnip

    Quote Originally Posted by Antonath View Post
    We Jeeperneez are express all emotion through money. Wedding is happy money. Funeral is sad money. Izakaya is friendship money. Girl-bar is almost-sex money. But babby-borning is bery happy money, as no babby in Japan. All babby is special so we is givings much money as presento for babby.

  10. #10
    Crustacean Sensation Ebi's Avatar
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    Default Re: Relationship/Cohabiting question

    True. Maybe another way to phrase it would be the first baby tends to be born pretty darn close to when marriages take place. Nosy people are already telling me how cute my future half-bred spawn will be any chance they get. At least I want kids, so it's not so awkward. But I wonder how people who don't want kids handle it.

  11. #11

    Default Re: Relationship/Cohabiting question

    Cohabiting is more likely to be an issue with your landlord. You might have a 'no overnight' visitors clause. And even if there isn't you might draw your neighbor's ire. Although it's extremely difficult for a landlord to kick you out, they can make life difficult (stick the garbage nazis on you.) And expect torrid rumors to fly as soon as your students find out you have a live-in boy/girlfriend.

    If you want to 'spend the night' with your boy/girlfriend you might want to either stay at their place (if they have one) or find a hotel.

  12. #12
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    Default Re: Relationship/Cohabiting question

    Quote Originally Posted by webstaa View Post
    Cohabiting is more likely to be an issue with your landlord. You might have a 'no overnight' visitors clause. And even if there isn't you might draw your neighbor's ire. Although it's extremely difficult for a landlord to kick you out, they can make life difficult (stick the garbage nazis on you.) And expect torrid rumors to fly as soon as your students find out you have a live-in boy/girlfriend.

    If you want to 'spend the night' with your boy/girlfriend you might want to either stay at their place (if they have one) or find a hotel.
    ESID

    I've had a completely different experience and been transparent about having my partner living with me while we are not married. The only time I've heard of unmarried couples having difficulty is when one person is Japanese.

  13. #13
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    Default Re: Relationship/Cohabiting question

    thanks everyone for the advice. I guess it's not such a problem as I thought, but still something we'll have to consider.

  14. #14

    Default Re: Relationship/Cohabiting question

    Quote Originally Posted by hal View Post
    I guess it's not such a problem as I thought
    Not to be mean, but I worry you might not have grasped the situation fully and I just want to clarify:

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaguya View Post
    Unless you're married, your boyfriend can't just come with you and live with you and Japan.
    Quote Originally Posted by Gizmotech View Post
    Lets put it this way, if you end up in my type of situation you'd be screwed.
    Quote Originally Posted by Libellule View Post
    If you're not married, for him to stay long term he needs a work visa or a working holiday visa.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ebi View Post
    The sad fact is that Japan doesn't support unmarried couples in any significant way, legally and socially.
    If you don't get married or he doesn't get a working visa here, it will be a massive problem. Please consider your options carefully. Best of luck in Japan, whatever you decide to do!

  15. #15
    Feckless Manchild Otaku word's Avatar
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    Default Re: Relationship/Cohabiting question

    I'm forced to agree with Jiggit. MG and I did this the hard way--we just assumed that she'd be able to come over here and that everything would work out. It did... but it took a LOT of work on our part--time, money, and incredible amounts of stress--all of which could have been saved easily if we'd just dropped by a justice of the peace in the US, signed a paper real quick, and applied for a dependent visa before she came over.

    LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKE. This is what ITIL is for.
    Last edited by word; April 22nd, 2015 at 11:39. Reason: Fine.
    Quote Originally Posted by 00Bear00 View Post
    When I read your post I suddenly feel like I am so far away from being crazy.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ini View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Ananasboat View Post
    It's festivals days like these on which I really try really hard to make up for not partying in college.
    yeah, because who needs free flowing drugs and alcohol fueling adventorous sex with taut, lithe young bodies when you could wander around a dying town in the freezing cold with a can of asahi super dry in your hand while some toothless old farmer shouts at you.

  16. #16
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    Default Re: Relationship/Cohabiting question

    oh haha no I got that, but it was to me either a like a completely yes or no concern. I know it might be difficult to work out, but at least it IS possible to.

  17. #17
    Feckless Manchild Otaku word's Avatar
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    Default Re: Relationship/Cohabiting question

    Sure, if you like wasting thousands of dollars, burning up vacation days traveling to immigration offices, filling out pages of cryptic forms, living with the risk that your SO might be deported, and possibly angering your employer, sure--it IS possible!
    Quote Originally Posted by 00Bear00 View Post
    When I read your post I suddenly feel like I am so far away from being crazy.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ini View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Ananasboat View Post
    It's festivals days like these on which I really try really hard to make up for not partying in college.
    yeah, because who needs free flowing drugs and alcohol fueling adventorous sex with taut, lithe young bodies when you could wander around a dying town in the freezing cold with a can of asahi super dry in your hand while some toothless old farmer shouts at you.

  18. #18

    Default Re: Relationship/Cohabiting question

    Quote Originally Posted by hal View Post
    oh haha no I got that, but it was to me either a like a completely yes or no concern. I know it might be difficult to work out, but at least it IS possible to.
    Protip about living in Japan: people rarely will give you a 'yes' or 'no' answer. You'll usually either hear 'yes' or 'it's difficult.' Here, people are telling you it's difficult. Listen.

    Also,

    Quote Originally Posted by Gizmotech View Post
    Lets put it this way, if you end up in my type of situation you'd be screwed
    Whether or not it will work relies entirely on information you don't know yet.
    Last edited by Cbill1; April 22nd, 2015 at 14:32.

  19. #19
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    Default Re: Relationship/Cohabiting question

    Marriage[...] is a means to make this problem literally go away entirely.

    If you don't want to get married in spite of that, you both need to think on the reasons why. If it turns out you need to get a divorce later, that's a comparably smaller problem than this one.

    [edited]
    Last edited by Jiggit; April 22nd, 2015 at 17:02.

  20. #20

    Default Re: Relationship/Cohabiting question

    If OP had wanted marriage advice, they would have asked for it. Frankly your opinion of a relationship you know next to nothing about is irrelevant to this thread. Keep the bitterness to yourself, please, that goes for everyone.

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